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Wait, I had fun?!

So, I made a deal with myself that every Friday night, I would do something fun.....and this past one was a success!!

After work, Jay surprised me at my house with a spontaneous dinner date!!! What a sweet guy I have! After we each ate our fill of delicious Mexican food, I headed to Brittany's house to go shopping for a bridal shower present. We knocked that out in like 15 minutes, (pro-shoppers we are) spent another 10 attempting to wrap the gift, which we did a horrible job on and ended up blaming Britt's husband Ronnie, that got us many laughs at the party (sorry Ronald!)

Because of our sad attempt at using wrapping paper, we decided to spoil ourselves....we went straight to Starbucks for a delicious Caramel Apple Cider then went to Target........(bad idea for us both)

After an hour of walking down EVERY isle, dreaming of buying cat pajamas and soft blankets. We each found a few things each that we couldn't live without! (actually we could, I could live without my cute grey nail polish; but who would want to?!)

     Sunday, I spent with my family, carving pumpkins and taking family photos. Spending extended periods of time with both of my sisters and my mom can be extremely overwhelming for me, and it definitely was as certain points yesterday, but it ended up being an amazing weekend.

   I forgot I could enjoy having fun! 

   Happy Monday Beautiful Friends!

Friday Fun

Being, lets face it, boring and antisocial, I decided to challenge myself a little bit. Every friday, I will do something fun after work....

For most people, this isn't a challenge. I, on the otherhand, would much rather go right home after work and plop myself down on my bed reading or watching netflix. My boyfriend, Im sure, gets bored of that being our time together, haha!

Tonight marks my first Friday Fun Night, and I am spending it with my dear friend, Brittany! We are going shopping for another friend of ours whose Bridal Brunch is Saturday, then going to have some girl time. Which for us, usually means wine and laughing!

This weekend is going to be full of fun, and a lot of other people, praying I can make it through it!

Stay Beautiful, friends!

The guide to understanding your introverted friends

MY STORY OF GRACE: PART 3 - The Grace Part

      January 2012: I attended The Pursuit for the first time; it had been a few weeks since I had attended the church I grew up in. As I stepped foot in the door of The Pursuit, I felt bare, like everyone could see the disgusting person I was. And maybe they could, but not for one moment have I felt they treated me differently because of it. I re-committed myself to Purity and surrendered myself to Christ and the life He desired for me to have in August of 2012 and every moment since then has been a constant battle between my spirit and my flesh. Since that day in August, I have fought tooth and nail for my spirit to win. I am sold-out to wherever God calls me to go, or whatever God calls me to do. I still struggle with my earthly desires of being physical, but at those moments, I turn to Christ, and He reminds me that my future husband deserves better than that. Yes, I have screwed up. Yes, I am broken. In spite of those things, I have Grace, through Christ.

Even though I have turned and ran from my sinful acts of living, and am now fully pursuing Christ's will for my life, I am still faced with the struggle of my depression. I have received treatment for it, off and on since 2009. I take medication daily; just so the chemicals in my brain are balanced enough for me to make rational decisions and feel the way a "normal" human feels. Every day, when my alarm on my phone reminds me its time to take it, my heart sinks and I have to remind myself why I take it. I'm not sure if it’s a pride issue or what, but knowing that I can't do it on my own is hard. The truth is, I've never been able to do it on my own, and I have always needed Christ. And it just so happens, that for now, I also need this pill. It’s a daily struggle between God and me, but more than anything, it draws me closer to Him. Even if every day I am asking God to take away my depression, I also am asking Him to give me His strength to get through the day.

     I know, that no matter what I do, what mistakes I make, that my God will never leave me or forsake me. Jesus came to earth, lived a perfect life free from sin, and died the sinner's death on the cross for me and for you. Because of the sacrifice of Christ, I don't have to let the mistakes of my past, or future seperate me from my Creator. It is hard, to live the life we are called to live. That is why there is Grace, and Forgiveness, and Love. I wish I could take back the decisions I have made, but not for one second do I wish to take back the realtionship I have with Christ because of those choices.

I am a sinner. But I have been Saved and Forgiven by His Amazing Grace.

MY STORY OF GRACE: Part 2 - The Struggle

     After finding out about my parents divorce, I started struggling with severe depression. For several months I kept it to myself, I knew what I was feeling wasn't right. No one should have the feelings of being unwanted or unloved or worthless. During the few months that I kept my struggle to myself, I had many thoughts of suicide and one, extremely half-hearted attempt. I didn't really want to die, I just didn't want to feel that way anymore. I didn't want to go to bed everynight praying for God to bring me home to Him so I wouldn't feel anymore. I was so lost...so broken. (At some point, I will share more of my struggle with depression, but now is not the time....back to that season of life.....) That whole time I continued serving at my church and being involved there, but the truth was, I didn't feel God anymore. I would teach the elementary students on Saturday nights about how much God loves them but on Sunday mornings, I would sit in the pew and question His existence.

       It wasn't until the fall of my Junior year, that I first told someone, when a dear friend of mine unexpectedly died. There were huge questions on whether it was an accident or suicide.....my friends and I kept telling each other it was an accident, she was the last person we ever expected to want to die. Sara's death scared me. She was one of the most genuine people I had ever met, with such a love for Christ......One of the biggest compliments I have always recieved is that I am such a happy person; what if Sara's death wasn't an accident...it came as a shock to everyone. Feeling and seeing the pain of everyone close to her that still don't know for sure wrecked me. It was the turning point of my depression.


    The night of her funeral, which my mom (against my will) demanded that she attend with me, I broke down and told my mom that I wish it was me that was in that coffin. My mom and I sat in the hallway and cried for hours. I had finally revealed my biggest weakness, but it didn't help. I was still "zombie-like" I went through the day to day motions and nothing more. My only escape was my theatre class, they only place I felt safe. After a month of my mom practically babysitting me and never leaving my side, she asked me to go see a doctor to get on medication. It wasn't until the beginning of my senior year that I finally agreed to try it.

     Looking back on how I went through that season of my life, I am disappointed with how fake I was, I was broken, but I pretended I was whole. I would have brief moments when I would truly feel the Holy Spirit but it wasn't constant like I so desired. I was so spiritually dry that I couldn't have felt the spirit if it slapped me with a wet towel. After years of searching, and praying, I gave up. I went to Cosmetology school after graduation and started hanging out with people I probably shouldn't have. I partied on school nights, flirted like crazy with any guy that would pay attention to me and eventually, wound up back with my boyfriend from high school who treated me like dirt. While we were dating through high school we pretended to be the "Christian couple" and by that I mean, we fooled around but didn't tell anyone. I had stopped really caring how I was living, so I went right back to him and let the desires of my flesh take over. It pains my heart to admit that I gave away what wasn't mine to give. After he told me I wasn't worth his time, I continued my downward spiral. I stopped serving at my church, because he served in the same ministry, I slept with several people, sent dirty messages and pictures, and tried to fill the void that was in me as a result of turning from Christ. The worst part is, during all of this, I still attended church weekly, and pretended to be the person I so desired to become.




 TO BE CONTINUED IN PART 3: WHERE GRACE COMES IN......

MY STORY OF GRACE: Part 1 - The Beginning

       I was told as a young child that I was born on a saturday and was at church that Sunday. However, it wasn't an actual saturday but I guess that is just the saying. In my early years my parents were activly involved in my church, we never missed a Sunday, even played on the Softball team and hung out with members of our church outside of church related events. That went on until I was in like 3rd grade or so, my dad started working on the weekends. My mom didn't like the questions that were asked when week after week my dad didnt come to church, so, we stopped going as well.
 
      Being in a baptist church the grade school kids had AWANAS every wednesday night, and every week I begged my parents to let me go. As long as it didn't interfer with a practice or a game, they would let me go. That is where I got my foundation as a Christ-follower. I continued to attend youth group on Wednesdays and try to stay the night at a friends house on Saturday nights so that I could attend Sunday school but that was rarely allowed as my parents pushed my sister and I to be heavily involved in as many sports as humanly possible. From the time I could walk, my parents had me signed up for a sport every season. I grew up with this craving to be fed spiritually, but without a Christ-centered home my craving was never satisfied.

    I was the typical "good-girl" growing up. All through junior high and high school I spent three nights a week at my church volunteering and attending youth group and ran the Bible Club at my school. I never broke rules and the only thing my parents could do to punish me was to ground me from attending church. I was one of those, "rainbows and butterflies" girls until it all came to a halt.

     My parents hadn't never been arguers, never raised their voice at one another, but it was the things they didn't say. I hadn't heard them say "I love you" to each other in longer than I could remember, and all of their time at home was spent in seperate areas of the house. It never crossed my mind that it wasn't normal, I believed that is what a marriage was supposed to look like. One night, during my sophomore year, the week before spring break, my parents pulled my sister and I into the living room for a "family discussion." That should have been the first clue that something was wrong. The only thing we had done as a family since I was young was attend sporting events together. They sat us down and told us that they hadn't been in love for a long time and that, for the last 10 years or so, they had basically been roommates.

      My heart was broken, I was very much a believer of "true love" and all that fairytale stuff. How could I believe in all of that now, when the only example of a marriage had just crumbled in front of me.....My world came crashing down and my life took a complete 180

 Find out what happened after in Part 2.....



   COMING SOON TO A BLOG NEAR YOU THIS BLOG!

Stay Tuned.....

I have felt a tugging on my heart to share my story.


However, I don't think I will be able to sit and write it all at once....my eyes burn with tears just thinking of having to sit through all of those memories. So, I will break it into categories, and share my story that way.....


Because when the Spirit prompts, I try to listen......





More to come....